Is It Permissible to Speak with a Betrothed Woman?
Question:
Can a man speak with the woman he is engaged to over the phone? Does Islam permit such conversations?
Marriage as the Binding Relationship:
Marriage is the bond that makes a man and a woman lawful to each other. This is clearly understood from the following hadith:
Narration:
Sahl bin Sa’d (RA) reported:
A woman came to the Prophet (PBUH) and offered herself in marriage to him. The Prophet (PBUH) replied, “I am not in need of a wife now.” A man then said, “O Messenger of Allah, marry her to me.” The Prophet (PBUH) asked, “What do you have [to offer as mahar]?” The man replied, “I have nothing.” The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Give her even an iron ring.” The man replied, “I do not have anything.” The Prophet (PBUH) asked, “Do you know any Quran?” The man said, “Yes, I have memorized such-and-such chapters.” The Prophet (PBUH) then said, “I marry her to you for the Quran that you know.”
(Sahih Bukhari 5141)
Key Point:
The woman becomes lawful to the man only after the marriage contract (Nikah).
Quranic Guidance:
Allah describes the relationship between a husband and wife in the Quran:
“And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who reflect.” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)
This shows that the wife is the one who provides companionship, affection, and love for her husband. Until the marriage contract is made, the woman remains a stranger (ghayr mahram) to the man.
Rules of Conduct Before Marriage:
Islam prescribes the same rules for interacting with a betrothed woman as with any other non-mahram woman:
The Prophet (PBUH) said:
“Ibn ‘Abbas (RAA) narrated, ‘I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, “A man must never be alone with a woman unless there is a Mahram with her. A woman also may not travel with anyone except with a Mahram (relative).” A man stood up and asked, ‘O Messenger of Allah! My wife has gone for Hajj while I am enlisted for such and such a battle, what should I do?’ The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) replied, “Go and join your wife in Hajj.” Agreed upon, and the wording is from Muslim.” (Sahih Muslim 3336)
Seclusion does not only refer to physical presence but also includes private conversations over the phone.
Avoiding Temptation:
Islam prohibits seclusion and private interactions to prevent immoral acts.
Private phone conversations between a betrothed couple increase the chances of inappropriate behavior.
Speech as an Act of Immorality:
The Prophet (PBUH) said:
“Allah has written for the son of Adam his inevitable share of adultery whether he is aware of it or not: The adultery of the eye is the looking (at something which is sinful to look at), and the adultery of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and the innerself wishes and longs for (adultery) and the private parts turn that into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation..” (Sahih Bukhari 6612)
Speaking inappropriate or flirtatious words is considered a form of immorality.
Practical Implications:
Breaking an Engagement:
If an engagement is broken for any reason, the woman’s future may be adversely affected, especially if she had indulged in inappropriate behavior with her betrothed.
Such behavior may lead to negative judgments, making it difficult for her to marry someone else.
Cultural Misunderstandings:
Society today often tolerates lengthy phone conversations between a betrothed couple but considers physical intimacy before marriage unacceptable. Both behaviors are inappropriate according to Islamic teachings.
Historical Perspective:
During the Prophet’s time, “talking to a woman” referred to seeking her consent for marriage. If she agreed, the marriage could be conducted immediately in the presence of witnesses and her guardian.
Conclusion:
A man should treat his betrothed with the same respect and boundaries as any other non-mahram woman until the marriage contract is completed. Prolonged interactions, flirtation, or private conversations are not permissible as they go against Islamic teachings.
Societal Change:
If society understood the Islamic perspective, it would avoid separating betrothed couples for long periods and creating circumstances that lead to violations of Islamic boundaries. The marriage process would be simplified, adhering to the principles outlined in the Quran and Sunnah.
